Are You Silencing Your Grief?

Do you ever feel like there is no safe place to put your feelings?

I know all of us can feel this way at times, but I’m particularly thinking about those of us who have walked away from an abusive or unhealthy relationship and are experiencing heartache.

Just because your relationship was unhealthy doesn’t mean your breakup or divorce is any less painful. Complicating factors such as safety issues, sexual betrayal, legal problems, and even psychological damage, don’t always erase the dream of love you once shared.

We may choose to stay silent for many reasons. Residual feelings can be so complicated or messy that we struggle with an ability to even put them to words, let alone entrust them to another. Sometimes we choose not to talk about our grief with friends and family because they’re so caught up in protecting us, afraid that we’re backsliding, they can be unsympathetic to our emotions. It often feels easier to keep these waves of sadness to ourselves, choosing to sail solo as we ride out our inner storms.

But did you know that suppressing your grief can lead to physical illnesses such as stomach issues, trouble sleeping, energy depletion, headaches, and even life-threatening illnesses? While allowing our emotions to lead us is not a good plan, neither is ignoring them. There is such a thing as toxic positivity. Grief seeks release.

Through God and trusted community, we can find help with healing. God invites us to bring all of our concerns to him. Jesus recommends bearing each other’s burdens so that we don’t have to face the trials of life on our own.

If you are experiencing grief in the aftermath of a breakup, consider the following actions you can take to safely honor the loss of that dream:

1. Bring all of your feelings to God in prayer. He’s likely the only one who truly gets you. He saw it all happen—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Utilize the comforts and wisdoms of a God who is on-call for you 24/7.
2. Join a recovery group. There are Christian recovery programs which have proved lifechanging for thousands. Through prayer, education, and a community of survivors like yourself, you can experience encouragement and breakthroughs that lead to true healing.
3. Seek a personal counselor or confide in a friend who you know is a good listener. Talk (or cry!) with someone who will sympathize and not judge. Often a church pastoral care office will offer counseling with someone qualified to help you navigate your way through the painful aftermath you’re going through.
4. Do some of the fun things you used to do with your partner. These are your activities, too! Do them alone or with someone else. “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.” (Pr. 17:22)
5. Find a creative outlet to express your memories and current emotions, like writing, playing an instrument, or painting. Some of us are memory keepers who create beautiful works with recycled love!
6. Spend time with children or go to the zoo. Children and animals are great models in helping us to re-discover life’s simple joys.
7. Celebrate your recovery: Acknowledge the efforts you’ve made to create a healthier life, as change is not easy. Remain grounded in God’s hope as he reminds us that those who mourn will be given “a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.” (Is. 61:3)

Healing from heartache is a process that takes time and community. Expressing and honoring your grief is a vital part of recovery. Remember that it is not unusual to experience conflicting feelings. Take heart, God is always close to the brokenhearted and will lead you to a place of greater clarity.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
Psa. 34:18